Sense of control
Those who know me know that I sometimes have issues with control. It’s not something that I grew into; it’s the way I’ve always been. I was a born planner and planning is a great way to maintain control. When I was little, I obsessed over what I was going to wear and I always needed to know well in advance what I was going to eat. It was not uncommon for me to ask on Monday what we were having for dinner on Wednesday.
So, how does one with obvious control issues function in world where your locus of control is really quite small? We over-control the little things. Control issues are the root of a lot of psychological problems – anorexics maintain tight control over what they eat often as a response to feeling like they have no control over anything else. They feed on the feeling of control.
Recently, I’ve been late for work. A lot. As a teenager I struggled with lateness, but as I got into the work world my lateness became a thing of my youth – until the last few months. It’s no secret that I’m not happy at work. And it’s not actually the work I do that I’m unhappy with, it’s the organizational culture that I’m unhappy with, and the fact that no one at my work is happy.
And then, this morning it came to me. As I was on my way to work, set to roll in at the bright hour of 9:30 (the office opens at 8), I realized that while I am late partly because I don’t want to spend my day with a bunch of sad-sacks, a bigger part is the fact that the time I arrive is something I control.
This got me thinking about why no one at work is happy. The interesting paradox is that people aren’t happy because we feel over-controlled. Autonomy doesn’t exist, and if it doesn’t exist people can’t make even the smallest of decisions. And if people can’t make decisions, then there is no accountability and nothing gets done. And if nothing gets done, than what difference does it make whether I show up at 8 or 9:30?
It’s an out-of-control spiral brought on because providing staff with a bit of autonomy requires a few people to relinquish a bit of control.
People like me are trying to maintain some sense of control over ourselves, but are we adding to the whole over-control issue? Maybe.
We’re an organization in need of psychological help – we’re like anorexics and we’re hurting ourselves in order to feel some sense of control.
But knowing all this, I can’t say that I am going to give up my bit of control and totally change my tardy ways. Maybe that decision is hurting me, but right now the control I have over myself is my jelly doughnut.
Note: I am very careful that my tardiness is only on days when I don’t have a meeting or other engagement to attend first thing in the morning. I am only late on days when my 9am schedule consists of “sit at desk and stare at screen”.
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